27.2.20

CONTROVERSIAL NEW VACCINE COULD PREVENT OR EVEN CURE MASTURBATION IN TEENAGERS, SAY EXPERTS


A controversial new vaccine developed by a Utah-based pharmaceutical company could prevent or even cure masturbation in teenagers, believe experts.

Agape International, a Christian faith-based pharmaceutical company claims it has finally developed a vaccine that will help teenagers control their sexual urges and help them focus on abstinence until marriage.

Chronic masturbation is the leading cause of a number of ailments such as premature deafness and blindness as well as baldness have warned experts for years.


“Masturbation or sexual immorality is one of modern society’s greatest health risks and can lead young people towards drug addiction, theft, and in some cases, murder” Agape spokesperson, James Hyde, told reporters.

“It is a well-known fact that most mass murderers such as Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot suffered from chronic masturbation. In his autobiography, Mein Kampf, Hitler praised masturbation saying he practiced it at least 14 times per day,” Agape spokesman, James Hyde, added.

In recent years, a number of studies have confirmed that masturbation is a gateway practice that can lead to drug addiction, listening to heavy metal, satanic ritual practice and has even led, in several rare documented cases, to death by spontaneous human combustion.

“Auto-erotic self-rape, also known as masturbation, is possibly the number one cause of most historical wars, internet pornography, high rates of homosexuality worldwide and even global warming,” warned Agape CEO, John B. Wilder, during a recent shareholder meeting.

According to a 2017 World Health Organization study an estimated 2 billion teenagers suffer from chronic masturbation, a condition that can lead to premature deafness and blindness as well as baldness.

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